I have been married for what feels like a short time. Don’t tell the wife I forgot, OK? Humor aside, the one major topic I get my unmarried friends ask me is, you guys fight a lot why are you still with her? To me that is the dumbest question I could ever have been asked. That is why they are single, fighting is just fighting. Nothing said during an argument should be taken to heart. Because if you argue with a friend aren’t you just fighting over opinions? Same thing applies to being married, unless the fight is over something uncouth like cheating. So when the wife and I fight its just a matter of a difference in opinions. Even if I raise my voice or she does I know at the end of it all we are just fighting not hating one another. I now that when it is all said and done I still love her and she loves me. That is why I am still with her and that is how a real couple can survive a fight.
So how does one argue as a couple without it going out of control? Now I am no expert, nor do I have a degree, in anything. So take my words as a matter of opinion and experience. I cannot be held accountable for failed attempts at what I say, or not understanding what I mean. My advice is this:
1. Do not go to bed? Wrong if you are angry, or upset, walk away, take a nap, let the emotion of anger dissipate and get out of your system and actually let your mind think about what was said. Because once a fight has started, it doesn’t matter what is really said you may take it personally even when it is not meant to be.
2. Listen to what the other is saying, do not hear what they are saying. Do not constantly reply back with “I know, I know” because they know you are full of it. They will also get upset more by this. So just sit there, not your head in agreement or disagreement. Wait until they are done and have given you the signal for you to say your part.
3. Laugh, by the powers that be, laugh. If you can see that you are dancing around each other in argument. Like my wife and I do, we are both well educated and well versed in our passions and opinions that when we fight it becomes a repeating circle. So laugh, the moment you realize the argument is frivolous laugh. Your partner will realize this stop and wonder why and when they realize it they will laugh to. My wife usually follows this by calling me an ass, which usually signifies we are done fighting and all is well.
4. Never say anything out of anger or use swear words. Yes you can raise your voice, but remember raising ones voice is not a sign of anger it is a sign of frustration and should only be taken as such. Just because I yell doesn’t mean you hate them, or you are mad it just means you are passionate about what you are saying and are trying to get your point across because you do not think you are being heard. Which is OK to yell if you feel you are not being heard, just remember if they do the same to you do your best not to get angry. Regarding swear words, avoid as much as possible, they show hate, anger and are venomous and can be contagious. When profanity catches on then it becomes hateful and you can damage your loved one in doing so.
5. Don’t get physical. End of discussion.
6. Finally, be honest at all costs. If you think your actual opinion doesn’t matter as a couple anymore, because “we are one.” I will tell you now that is a bunch of bull shit. No I mean physical crap, pay no attention to that thought walk around it as if it were crap and avoid it. If you trample through it it gets stuck to you and you will always remember that thought like a smell and it won’t go away. Your opinion matters, voice it as often as you can. Let the other person know you are there, not just an agreeable zombie, because if you just agree even if you don’t, you are hurting your relationship. In part of being honest, own your mistakes don’t make excuses.
So I know I don’t have many tips, but again I am minimalist and like to keep things simple. Six tips is enough, they serve me, and hopefully they can serve you. I learn by trial and error, and believe me the wife and I have had some errors in fighting. We have both cried, punched walls, but never hit each other. Love is unconditional regardless, keep that in mind, love one another and I mean truly love one another. Peace!
- Fighting In Front of The Kids – Smart conflict resolution for couples (babble.com)
- Emotional Humans (aopinionatedman.com)
- Anger (shieldofflowers.wordpress.com)
- Fight Club: Why my wife and I argue in front of the kids. | Babble (babble.com)
- Couples in Crisis: Chris and Marianne (drlauraberman.com)
- Swearing – Why self righteous mothers can go *expletive* themselves. (spinkykitten.com)
- Anger Management Strategies for Repairing A Marriage (expertspages.com)
- Sleeping Babies Hear All – Even Parents’ Arguments (babyzone.com)
- Dumb Arguments (millineryblog.wordpress.com)
- FAIR FIGHTING OR DECLARED PEACE ZONE…Is either really good for your marriage? (marriage911godsway.com)